I feel something soft about the morning. I can see it in the pastel sky, hear it in the slow wash of tires on the wet street below. Sunday. Two crows barking.

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A wave of consumer propulsion towards all things pink, red and heart-shaped began last week and crested on Thursday and Friday when even the grocery store designated one person to wrap the flowers held by a long line of men. Some of them still in reflector suits from road work, some in steel toe or galoshes, others bearded and toqued or in natty winter coats, all of them jovial, joking amongst themselves, glowing. They carried their bouquets gently in that line, respectfully.

It was a wonder, all that masculine flower action in East End Hamilton.

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I bought a vase full of brilliant yellow roses and spikes of eucalyptus, in celebration of the line of smiling men, in celebration of all of us. Picket line teachers, impatient Ford 150 drivers, control freak Tim Horton’s managers and people who throw emotion around like bullets from an AK47: all of us. And me too, tucked away in my echo chamber studio, deliberately making mistake after mistake and learning from every one of them. Some of the mistakes I’m making are quite stunningly beautiful, which is a lesson in itself.

My world expands and not all is comfortable; I celebrate the gifts of that.

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Has our idea of love shifted I wonder. From the hard angles of claiming and owning and obedience to something softer and simpler: you are beautiful and valuable, to me. You. In the midst of all this impossibility and stress and pressure, the mess and the fear and the rage, I can stop and hold a long moment for this deep deep truth. I can put it in these flowers I bought and stood in line with to have wrapped, for you.

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I think of all the loves of my life so far – HA! in some ways much like my time in the studio now.  Some not at all comfortable, all insistent that I learn and stretch beyond what I can imagine. All gifts – to feel my my heart open wide, and also to feel it close again, calloused so I can heal. Through all of this it grows and beats and connects with living breathing beings; I am okay, I always have been, and will always be.

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The yellow roses light up my living room. I’ll use the vase to put others in when I need to hold a long deep moment and remind myself of the long, enduring song of Love.

My Love for Us. All of us. Which is the same huge, eternal, glorious, simple thing as my Love from myself to me.

7 Comments

  1. Hey Keira

    I read your posts whenever I get them. And I revel in your elegant prose, spun from a dear sweet heart. Thank you for sending these out. To all of us. But they hold a special place to me. In my mind you will always be the little girl that I babysat so many years ago. I love that pic of Jim. I miss him as I’m sure you do too. More than me, of course.

    I tried calling Fran a couple of times. Got voice mail. Left a message but didn’t hear back. I hope she’s not mad at me for missing the memorial. The fact is I couldn’t travel. The retina specialist had injected a gas bubble in my eye to control a hemorrhage and air travel with a gas bubble in your eye is a no no. Ah, the joys of old age. I am 71 now. My generation made a big deal about how 60 was the new 40. Well, let me tell you, 70 is 70. There’s no escaping that.

    I hope you are well. In the meantime, I will continue to read your posts and hope that the calloused heart has healed sufficiently to open up for another learning adventure.

    Best

    Dave

    1. Hello from Hamilton, Dave – so good to hear your voice here. Yes I miss Dad, but in so very many ways he’s still around, especially in this place where he was a kid and a teenager. I imagine he carved his initials in one of the old beech trees in the 40s at some point, and they’re now 15 feet higher than he was at the time. He was most definitely around on Valentines day & full of good humour. Good to see his face though, hey?

      OW!! re your eye. What exactly does this retina specialist specialize in? Pain? Man, OW. I want to send you Tim Conway re-runs now. Fran’s not mad at anyone these days, & is in good shape at the Farm.

      I’m well, & the callouses always dissolve in time. Will write a newsy thing soon via email with photos. In the meantime Happy 71 to ye! xo K

  2. Such a lovely piece… articulate and poetic as always. But of course all i want to say is: is that your boyfriend? He’s dreamy.

    Colour me 14. ________________________________

    1. HA!! Yes, very dreamy, but that’s a photo of my dad, who always gave me a rose on Valentines. He was dreamy AND loving, that guy. Thanks for the chuckle Mason Blade – I love it.

  3. THIS… resonates in my heart! I LOVE us ALL and you, and buying flowers for myself to remind me of the soft, sweet, gentle beauty of LOVE.

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